Life's Desire

At a young age, a series of events triggered a single-minded goal, and that goal is something I've been working towards for most of my life.

My one basic desire is to be stable enough to have a baby and a family of my own.

Recently, that desire has become very hard to reach. In April of 2012, I was officially diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disorder that attacks my heart, lungs, joints... and womb. The doctors told me I had to go off of my birth control and get on the Lupus medication. I hesitated, since condoms and female condoms have chemicals that make sex extremely unpleasant and painful. An allergy to the chemical they coat them with.

I decided to stay on my hormonal birth control until the prescription ran out, and then consider my options with my boyfriend. I was told then and there, that with my disease, it would be very difficult to have a child after I was twenty-five. They said it could result in my death.

In December of 2012, my prescription ran out and I had the most difficult conversation of my life. Do I take the Lupus medication and give up my one desire and promise to myself? Or do I take the chance and try for a baby, much earlier than anticipated.

My boyfriend chose for me. He was thirty-five and wanted a baby.

I had my first miscarriage at the end of December. My second in late January. The third in early April.

A week ago, my heart was shattered when I was told my fourteen week old baby's heart had stopped beating in the womb and they believed that Lupus was the cause. I had known almost immediately I was pregnant, and took many precautions, no drinking, avoiding smokers since I don't smoke, and every time the doctor's told me to be on bed rest, I did my best to stay inactive while working three jobs, sometimes more.

When the doctor's told me I had to choose between them surgically removing my child from me or taking a medication to speed along the process, I choose the medication.

I haven't filled it.

My body has been losing my child for a week now, and each day or more horrible than the one before.

The apartment we moved into this month was chosen with the baby in mind, blankets had been started by family and friends who didn't or don't know about the loss walk up and rub my belly and tears ensue.

My disease, at times, feels like it controls my life, my choices, and in a lot of ways it does. I shifted my entire lifestyle to accommodate a disease that should have remained latent in my body. But whatever triggers Lupus was triggered in me at the age of 13, right around the time I made the decision I would be a mother and have a loving family.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that my baby is in Thantos's arms with Aphrodite showering them in her love and beauty. It doesn't make it any easier.

I will try again. Not sure if I will try again right away since the hurt is overwhelming me, but I will. My boyfriend, even in his own pain over watching me and being able to do nothing, has held on to me and been a rock in my emotional time of chaos. Our decision is to try again, although when isn't too certain.

We love each other, we desire each other, we need each other. That will heal us, and maybe Aphrodite will reward our love.

In Darkness

To the rage
To rip and rend
To have one's way
This is the way
The way of Darkness
To rip and rend
Away the dross
All that is unimportant and hindering
To the Darkness
To rip and rend away those that stand in the way
Even if that one is yourself
This is the Darkness
Where we rip and rend and consume all that is dark and wrong
To remake are selves in the image of Darkness
To move in the shadows
To devour those that would hinder
Are growth and those of another
To rip and rend and consume the flesh, the enregy, the life of those weaker then us
Weaker then then themselves the cowards
To push and push to the brink of their destruction and rebirth
To consume their pain and longing
To revel in the agony of their demise
To be their own personal Demon made flesh
To rip their soul from them
To feel its  potential
What glory this be
To rip and rend from those who could be so much more
If only the where not so blind
This the Darkness commands
This do I obey
My victim, I shall be your salvation
In Darkness....

To Vanadis....

Vanadis..

Oh Lady
How you have teased me these last few days
Flitting in and out of my mind
And always, always
At the moment of release
You never come at other times
You never stay to explain
Why
Why it is that at the moment of release
You come upon me
Only to leave as quickly once the moment has passed
Though I have tried to understand
The answer eludes me still
Though for you
This is one of your many well loved sides
Of such a multi-faceted beauty
And while I don't understand
Perhaps one day I will
If at all, so
You are welcome to intrude
And take from me what you will
At that moment of release

Perceptions of age and time

I was or am supposed to be posting once a week. (Posting is also a technical term in horseback riding.) Though I do forget, which I seem to be doing with more frequency.

While I have had nothing in particular in mind to blog about, I have one thought I wish to follow and perhaps writing it out will help make more sense of it. Though I doubt this. What thought I follow is time or perhaps aging. And im sure there are better minds and writers who have discussed this on the net then me.

I am not going to attempt to go into how one perceives time or is thought to perceive it. I myself barely perceive the passage of time. Sure the day progress's from waking to sleeping, night to day and night again. This is more a peripheral perception. Living almost completely in the moment time or rather life just is. The only sense of urgency or of time passing is one that is imposed on the day by me. Chores, meals, errands, etc. Some impose their own limits on time, others we impose. Some other's impose and largely because we agree to it.

But mostly the passage of time and its effects go unnoticed. Mostly. Living in the now, and always around your family you don's clearly see the process of aging. Unless someone you don't see on a regular basis comments on how big your kids have gotten or something about ones appearance. Me I don't seem to age. I look almost the same now as I did ten years ago. Yet there are times when I notice I have ever deepening and lengthening crows feet. I notice at odd quiet and often jarring times my kids growing up. And having kids is a jarring thought in and of itself. Typically I notice this when there asleep and that they somehow seem to occupy way more space then they seemed to the other day.

Which brings to mind another thought. A fractured sense of the passing of time as it relates to other people. While there are people I have not seen in years or longer. Upon meeting them there is no sense of the passing of time. Its more like it hasn't been ten years I saw you yesterday. Its an odd perception to say the least.

I am aging and I know this. And it occurs to me at odd and random times. Most days or weeks it doesn't cross my mind. Other days I find something that I cant do that once I could. Albeit this most likely has to do with a progressing physical condition. Other times and the most prevalent thought is about the future. In are current situation we have no future, as in retirement and or financial security. And while we still have many years before this is a concern it's still a pestering thought.

The only other thing that the passage of time brings up is are own limited mortality. Despite all that I know it still freaks me out a bit. Even with a myriad of belief systems and personal experience to fall back on, it still bring forth a sense of unease. I think part of this is that I enjoy being an embodied creature, though I am not thrilled with the thought of aging beyond where I am currently. The other disturbing thought is that for my personality is not who I truly am. And once I have moved on, all of who and what I am will be subsumed by my true self. I know that many of my core personality traits are also my true self's . And that all that I have experienced and learned will aid in are evolution.Its still not a comforting thought. Actually this can get kinda of depressing.

As depressing as this may be it is easy to forget as well. Getting caught up and losing oneself in the everyday moments of life helps. I don't know if this is related to a skewed perception of time or if its something else. Most likely something else. This one's perception or more observation of the world. Has a tendency to notice in this concrete jungle all the  varied life that makes its home here. From the insects up to the birds, from the fungus to the trees. I notice it all.

Why I Believe Sex Education teaching Abstinence is not affective- By Amanda Torrey

For those of us who are parents raising children through puberty into adulthood one of our greatest challenges is the tremendous decisions to make about what is physically and psychologically the best approach in supporting explorations through their budding sexuality.  If we have more than one child, we realize how different each one is and how what works for one, may not work for another.  Pat answers given to us by our religious affiliations and civic institutions don’t always work.  In the face of a reality, a child can be confused about what’s right and wrong when they are alone while making decisions.  The bottom line is biologically speaking, there is no equality in gender.  The young girl is always going to have the heavier consequence in whatever decision she makes.  This maybe why her virginity has always been such an important commodity…So then, as parents what can we do to support them, whether our child is the girl who posses that virginity or the boy who decides to take it from her.  In other words, where this paper is concerned, adolescent sexuality is a union between the new desires springing from a budding adult’s sexuality and its environment’s need to lessen the consequence of this happening.

Within the last 50 years there have been significant changes in the way society has had to look at human sexuality, especially concerning our views on abstinence and the adolescent woman.  This paper is not focusing on the obvious dangers of sex without judgment.  Unwanted pregnancy, health issues surrounding girls becoming sexually active before they are physically and emotionally ready, as well as sexually transmitted diseases are all paramount within the heart of every family.  Government and religious institutions have invested significant money and resources to circumvent these problems since such issues add a great deal of stress to the common welfare.  What is of interest is that what remains consistently true in spite of a tremendous amount of religious and civic pressure for girls to stay “virtuous” and abstain from sex until they are married, by the time the adolescent female is 17, about half of them have become sexually awakened, and half haven’t.[1]  Presumably then, some are ready to have sex, some aren’t.  Those that are ready, do…Those that aren’t ready, don’t.

In 2005, Warren Throckmorton, Ph.D. wrote[2]:

Whatever we think about the morality of sexual behavior, can’t we agree that teens should be given a clear and consistent message that it best to wait to engage in sex until they are ready to accept the financial, relationship and emotional consequences of making that choice? For nearly all teens, this would be adulthood…Although the depression followed by sex and drugs link seems to make sense, a new study, which followed over 13,000 middle and high school students for two years in a row, found that depression did not predict risky sexual or drug using behavior.

Instead, the study found that depression often follows risky behavior. Lead author of the study, Dr. Denise Hallfors told me in an interview that her research team found evidence that heavy drug and alcohol use significantly increased the likelihood of depression among boys. For girls, the findings are stunning: Even low levels of alcohol, drug or sexual experimentation increased the probability of depression for girls.

Two years before The Heritage Foundation published an article, “Sexually Active Teenagers Are More Likely to Be Depressed and to Attempt Suicide” where they conducted a study on the emotional well-being of the American adolescent also publicized.  The findings were:

When compared to teens who are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly less likely to be happy and more likely to feel depressed.  When compared to teens who are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly more likely to attempt suicide.

Thus, in addition to its role in promoting teen pregnancy and the current epidemic of STDs, early sexual activity is a substantial factor in undermining the emotional well-being of American teenagers.

In this article doctor of adolescent medicine Meg Meeker writes,

Teenage sexual activity routinely leads to emotional turmoil and psychological distress…. [Sexual permissiveness leads] to empty relationships, to feelings of self-contempt and worthlessness. All, of course, precursors to depression.

The study’s official conclusion was:

A full 14.3 percent of girls who are sexually active report having attempted suicide. By contrast, only 5.1 percent of sexually inactive girls have attempted suicide. Thus, sexually active girls are nearly three times more likely to attempt suicide than are girls who are not sexually active.

Among boys, 6.0 percent of those who are sexually active have attempted suicide. By contrast, only 0.7 percent of boys who are not sexually active have attempted suicide. Thus, sexually active teenage boys are eight times more likely to attempt suicide than are boys who are not sexually active.

Karen S. Peterson followed up Heritage Foundation’s article in USA TODAY saying:

Tamara Kreinin of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) says “we need to take depression among the young very seriously.” But it is a “disservice” to blame sexual activity and ignore “divorce, domestic violence, sexual abuse, substance abuse, lack of parental and community support and questions about sexual orientation,” she says. SIECUS supports school programs with information on birth control and abstinence.

One would have to reasonably ask if Meg Meeker is speaking professionally or through personal filters.  “[Sexual permissiveness leads] to empty relationships, to feelings of self-contempt and worthlessness. All, of course, precursors to depression” could seem as an attempt to be pre-emptive.  Young girls don’t usually want to have sex when they are depressed.[3]    Sex is not usually the cause of inner happiness or depression.  Associated Press reported a new study that says adolescent and young adults feel their happiness comes from their family ties. Sometimes, though, the adolescent might find their intimacies through a boyfriend, some want to be accepted by their peer group, some love adventure, some want to feel less depressed and some just plain wanna, which seems to be true whether or not there is concern for sexually transmitted diseases.

On May 7, 2002, Sharon Begley wrote a compelling article in Newsweek Magazine “Sorting Out Good Science from Bad:

When Doug Kirby sat down recently to update his 2001 analysis of sex-education programs, he had 111 studies that were scientifically sound, using rigorous methods to evaluate whether a program met its goals of reducing teen pregnancy, cutting teens’ rates of sexually transmitted diseases and persuading them to practice abstinence (or, if they didn’t, to use condoms). He also had a pile of studies that were too poorly designed to include. It measured three feet high.

For us civilians, it’s hard to grasp how much of science is subjective, and especially how much leeway there is in choosing how to conduct a study. No one is alleging that scientists stack the deck on purpose. Let’s just say that depending on how you design a study you can practically preordain the outcome. “There is an amazing array of things people do to botch a study,” says Rebecca Maynard of the University of Pennsylvania.

There are many congenital reasons for adolescent depression.

In 2001, for example, one study found strong indications that adult depression and the teenage version ran in the same families.[4]  According to the website About Teen Depression:

Studies indicate that one in five children have some sort of mental, behavioral, or emotional problem, and that one in ten may have a serious emotional problem. Among adolescents, one in eight may suffer from depression. Of all these children and teens struggling with emotional and behavioral problems, a mere 30% receive any sort of intervention or treatment. The other 70% simply struggle through the pain of mental illness or emotional turmoil, doing their best to make it to adulthood.

The consequences of untreated depression can be increased incidence of depression in adulthood, involvement in the criminal justice system, or in some cases, suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people ages 15 to 24. Even more shocking, it is the sixth leading cause of death among children ages 5-14. The most troubling fact is that these struggling teens often receive no counseling, therapy, or medical intervention, even though the National Institute of Mental Health reports that studies show treatments of depression in children and adolescents can be effective.

1 child in 60 is born with congenital adrenal hyperplasia; there are interesting statistics on children born intersexed or with gender dysphoria.  Artificial structures imposed on anyone is dangerous, especially adolescents as it was for Nicole, a transgendered girl who committed suicide to finally escape the torment of other High School students.  There must be appropriate role models, schools and playmates to support everyone’s talents, however, millions of children are set up from the start to be tragically confused and depressed with who and what they are, even though a biological “norm” has yet to be adequately identified.

A quote from the website, About Gender:

There are some quite remarkable figures here. Although they are shown as distinct conditions, there is considerable blurring and variation between one individual and another. There is also, of course, considerable variation in different parts of the population.

Putting it another way two intersexed babies are born each week in the United Kingdom. This compares with other developmental problems such as cleft palate, or genetic problems such as Downs Syndrome. Yet health professionals and parents find it very difficult to find information about it, and those who specialise in this area are seen as a rather bizarre group of fringe psychiatrists.

Most of the genetic and metabolic errors will give rise to genital malformation, but it would seem that many cases of ambiguous genitalia occur in the absence of evidence of more fundamental problems. Where the operation is simply cosmetic and the child is happy to grow up in its birth role, will be able to marry and have a family, can it truly be regarded as an intersex condition? It is all a matter of definition.[5]

To which BBC News responds:

Moreover with the increase of the use of ultrasound scanning, amniocentesis and other procedures, in this age of what has been referred to as the “new eugenics” will many of these children be aborted?

Or will we see a society where all sexual and gender statuses are respected?

An adolescent is depressed or considering suicide long before they have their first sexual experience.  Sex is an amazing marriage of Nature and Nurture and as inconvenient as the adolescent sexual rite of passage is for our families and society, as a social creature, we have to be realistic about what part of this marriage we have some control and what we don’t.  If our one hope for reaching our children is through educating them, let us do it to enhance their self confidence and abilities to make their own judgments.

On Sex Education Sharon Begley states:

Earlier studies gave abstinence-only glowing evaluations, as social conservatives publicized. The Heritage Foundation, for one, claimed in 2002 that abstinence-only had been proven “effective in reducing early sexual activity.” But this is not a case of dueling studies, with no way to tell which to believe. If you dig into the earlier studies’ methodology, you can see how they reached their conclusions…

Many evaluated programs where kids take a virginity pledge. But kids who choose to pledge are arguably different from kids who spurn the very idea. “There’s potentially a huge selection issue,” says Christopher Trenholm of Mathematical Policy Research, which did the abstinence study for the government. “It could lead to an upward bias on effectiveness.”

Claims for abstinence-only also rest on measurements not of sexual activity, but attitudes. The Bush administration ditched the former in favor of assessing whether, after an abstinence-only program, kids knew that abstinence can bring “social, psychological, and health gains.” If enough answered yes, the program was deemed effective. Anyone who is or was a teen can decide if knowing the right answer is the same as saying no to sex.

Statistics show that “Just Say No to Sex” Doesn’t Work for Ms. Begley adds:

In April, scientists released the most thorough study of abstinence-only programs ever conducted. Ordered up by Congress, it followed 2,000 kids, starting in grades 3 through 8, in rural and urban communities who had been randomly assigned to an abstinence-only program or not. Result: kids in abstinence-only “were no more likely to abstain from sex than their control group counterparts … [both] had similar numbers of sexual partners and had initiated sex” at the same age…

Other studies relied on kids’ memory. But up to half of kids forget whether they took a virginity pledge, or pretend they never did. Those who fall off the abstinence wagon are likely to “forget” they pledged, while those who remain chaste might attribute it to a pledge they never made. Both factors inflate the measured efficacy of pledge programs.

While looking at teenage sexuality, we can’t fall into the temptation of believing that all that is inconvenient is the root of all evil.  Sex is not the reason our children commit suicide.  The question is how to stretch our society to accept that every human being has its own physical and emotional nature.

Perhaps we can look at teenage sexuality as the time a person becomes a part of a larger citizenship.  In her essay, The Idea of World Citizenship in Greek and Roman Antiquity, Martha Nussbaum suggests becoming a “world citizen” would be a helpful skill as well as learning how to question the dictates of one’s own culture to see whether or not these dictates are truly a natural law.  An example she used was the teachings of Diogenes as he searched for truth and virtue by provoking people through unruly actions.  Nussbaum says, “It appears likely that the point of his unseemly behavior was itself Socratic– to get people to question their prejudices by making them consider how difficult it is to give good reasons for many of our deeply held feelings.  Feelings about the respect due to status and rank and feelings of shame associated with sexual practices are assailed by his behavior.”  The Greek philosophers, as ethicists, demanded from each citizen a defense of their perspectives.  As teachers in a civilized world, they demanded their culture to stand on the foundations of Truth, not vanity or any other misuse of power.

Martha Nussbaum’s suggestion would seem ideal, however unrealistic.  Because of our methods for teaching what is best for the whole, we are running into a constant issue with what “whole” we’re talking about.  In our world of the internet interlinking our different communities, we find for every statement there will be an opposite statement that completely breaks down the most solid premise.  We’ll never have enough people on any specific part of the spectrum to make one position viable for everybody.

"I haven't been doing anything I want to do"

Everyone is well aware that I fight with my boyfriend... A lot. We've been together for two years on December 13th, 2013 so things can get pretty edgy.

After one date, he moved in with me. After moving in with me, he announced to everyone that I was his girlfriend. After that... I just went with it and started working on all of the projects he worked on, and found parts of myself I had hidden away.

Secretly, I'm a workaholic. I enjoy the thrill of a new project, the rapture of success, and the creative process that is intertwined with the development of a project.

My boyfriend is a workaholic, and not the good kind. It results in high stress, aggravation, a bad temper, and an inability for him to sleep. He rarely finds satisfaction in the conclusion of a project because he rarely feels he completed the project in the first place.

While we are both workaholics, I find immense pleasure in losing myself to my work, he doesn't. Alas, that is why we fight. Different working standards, different agendas, et cetera.

The title of this post " I haven't been doing anything I want to do" is a clear cut example of our fighting, today, in fact. He wants me to work on project x b and t while I work my why from 1 to 100, in order.

Since I work chronologically and not on the whims of others, it makes it difficult to work with people. There is an extreme perversion in me that enjoys pissing people off when they are being unreasonable. Typically, this works in my favor, however, in my relationship, it just causes a fight.

Not to say my relationship is all bad, it's not. We have great moments curled up on the couch watching movies, enjoy strolls along the beach, painting at Artists of the Wall, dinner at home, and sometimes, we work well together too.

When we work well together, there is a symmetry to our actions, and we both feel more accomplished than before. We are so on it, that we even get in one another's way and finish trains of thoughts for the other.

What can I say? We're one chaotic, but positive couple. :)

A forgotten post

A forgotten post. A post. A post can be many things and have many uses. A forgotten one serves nothing, but a reminder to those passing by of what might have been. In traveling you may come upon a post, the remains of some long gone fence. Once used to delineate who can stand on either side or keep this or that from straying. Or perhaps said forgotten post had something other use. One merely to hitch something or someone to. Maybe, just maybe this forgotten post is nothing more then a bad attempt at a facetious post?

You know what has been on my mind a lot lately. My boys and their education. Having had bad experiences with public education, not to mention the current state of CPS. And are somewhat negative experience with putting are oldest through preschool. I have done far to much reading (skimming mostly) on unschooling. One of our initial ideas was either Waldorf or a home school  program based around the Waldorf ideals. All of which didnt go anywhere due to a lack of money. Private education is expensive. Home schooling can be done at almost no cost, the internet has so many (to many sometimes) resources. However knowing are children's personality's, I doubt they would enjoy much less cooperate at this time or maybe ever in a structured learning environment. Hence why we fell into the realm of unschooling.

In reading, talking and listening done on the subject of unschooling. While I have my doubts I think this may have been the best choice. The boys need time to be children. And if you are observant enough you find that yes they learn all be themselves all the time. Despite what certain family members may be saying, they are learning and overcoming their developmental issues. You really have to spend more then one or two hours out of the week to see the progress they are making or what they are capable of doing. Competing with one another really motivates them to push their limits. And all we have to do is help them answer the questions they have, get them out of the house and out into the world. When they show us a strong interest in a subject we need only help them to deeply understand this. Everything else they need they will learn when they need it, not before.

I find that this has been my case in learning. I learned to be angry and hate in school. But outside of that influence, I learned to read. I learned a trade. I read widely and know a little bit about almost everything. And more then that on those few areas where I wanted to know more. Now I see that when I have a question or an interest, I go out and learn about it. I read or take a class maybe even watch a video on it. Children are no different and interacting in the world around them is how they learn. Its how we all learn.

My Best Solace

By nature, I'm not an angry person. I'm typically a very nice, extremely stressed and wittily sarcastic person. I laugh at the stupidest things, and enjoy my time with my cats, lover, and close friends.

But every once in a while, my temper's fuse is lit, and then I'm a ticking time bomb.

It's those rare moments when event after event trigger my slow to start but quick to boil temper that I truly relish. The intense feeling of anger, of too much being piled onto my shoulders, the frustration of never feeling I do enough, the unfairness of the difficulties life's thrown my way over the years... All that anger and unjust actions against me for my entire existance, come bursting forth and no one can stop it.

At those times, I find a punching bag to lay into, or a garden in extra need of work, or I pick a verbal fight over something political to purge the anger on.

I'm more productive, more invigorated, just more. I can work off of anger very similarly to how I when my needs aren't being fulfilled.

However, that isn't the only benefit of the anger outage. There is also the fact that all my pent up emotions over many things over varying lengths of time are purged as well. I let it all go with my anger, very similarly to what I do when I'm releasing through my tears.

A

What's Your Interpretation of 20 on the Wall?

Press Release For Artists of the Wall 2013 

Twenty years ago there was a wall along the lake, trash strewn about, graffiti littering the 
area, and people that were questionable harassing the passersby. 

A small group of Rogers Park residents (Keith Lord, Katie Hogan, Regina Robinson, and 
Richard Kaufman) sat on Keith Lord's back porch and came up with a brilliant idea to 
change the face of this wall; An Artists of the Wall festival. 

By cleaning up the area, painting the walls, and involving the police force in the painting, 
the negative personas that were in the area disappeared while the beautification of the 
area became apparent. 

The event has, since then, turned into a celebration of Rogers Park and it’s culturally 
diverse residents. People from all over have come to paint at Rogers Park’s Artists of the 
Wall. 

Businesses, churches, police, firefighters, lifeguards and people from age eighteen 
months to eighty years old have painted one of the 154 spaces on this 5,000 square foot 
(600 feet) wall over the past twenty years. 

The Artists of the Wall festival is a one-of-a-kind, ever-changing art project, the largest 
of its kind along the lakefront and running for twenty years, something unprecedented in 
Chicago. 

Artists of the Wall doesn't just promote both amateur and professional artists, it also 
promotes musicians by having an eclectic representation of Chicago-based bands. The 
bands and musicians that have played at Artists of the Wall have shared the stage with 
Windform, the first-of-its-kind art sculpture that was placed on city property. 

“Twenty Years on the Wall” is our theme this Father's Day weekend. For years, this 
event has defined what Father's Day is to our Rogers Park dads. In the past, fathers have 
called, happiness evident in their voices, because they finally had the day with their 
children and wanted to paint one of the spaces. 

This year is special for another reason, too. Last year, one of the artists, Terrence, died as 
a victim of gun violence in Chicago. His family contacted the Loyola Park Advisory 
Council and asked that his space be left intact this year so that they can add their story to 
his art. Terrence's death has saved the lives of six others because he was an organ donor. 

Don't forget to be at Artists of the Wall, “20 on the Wall,” this Father's Day weekend 
Saturday, June 15 to promote the beautification of our neighborhood, and taking a stand 
against violence. 

Music Stage Program

Saturday, June 15 

Noon - 12:45 pm Handyman Steel Pan 

1:15 - 2:00 pm Jeannie Tanner Quartet 

2:30 - 3:30 pm Odd Folk 

4:00 – 5:15 pm Conjúnto 

Sunday, June 16 

Noon - 12:45 pm Joe Dickinson 

1:15 – 2:00 pm Eastern Blok 

2:30 – 3:30 pm Meisha Herron 

4:00 – 5:15 pm The Pratt Cattz featuring Robert Irving 

For more information please contact: 

Katie Hogan (773) 764-9302 

Founder of Artists of the Wall Festival 

Keith Lord (312) 944-6270 

Founder of Artists of the Wall Festival 

Bill Morton (773) 850-0029 

Bill Morton Promotions- Publicist

Let’s Talk Sex: Chicago Style- By Amanda Torrey

Carol Marin is the Political Editor for the Chicago SunTimes.  I wanted a columnist from one of our major papers to be the conduit between Chicago universities and communities.  I wanted them to care about topics concerning gender and sexuality.  And I happen to love her just approach to uncomfortable topics. So, I wrote her the following knowing I’d probably never hear anything and if I did it’d be from some canned robotic response:

     What would it take for a newspaper columnist to collaborate with professors from Chicago’s world class universities and incredibly rich sex positive communities to clear away the confusion from our Gender & Sexuality Issues?My name is Amanda Torrey.  I am the Executive Director of The Deviant Minds, NFP attempting to assist the development of collaborations between Chicago’s universities with community activists.  We hope to establish reasonable attitudes towards gender, sex, intimacy, desire, etc. by creating events that ease the fear and perhaps move the perceptions of Chicagoans toward sexual topics.  This year I organized SexFest 2013 with the help of individuals from Northwestern University, Jane Addams Hull House, Center on Halsted and the Leather Archives & Museum.  In my mind Chicago is an extraordinary city whose character is partially etched from the plethora of renown academics who have built and are still building their careers here.  With an arsenal of information collected within the walls of our educational institutions, we certainly should be able to set up innovative structures for an enlightened society.  Each of us can’t help but follow our natures. There’s enough science here to prove it and enough philosophy to reason through it, so what’s the problem?

     To answer this question, Northwestern University has appointed Dr. Johanna Grisinger, lawyer and historian to be the expert of sex education.  I heard her speak for about 15 minutes during a luncheon at SexWeek and before I left she said she’d be open to discussing her participation in an event that could educate the public about reasonable approaches to sex.

     Lisa Junkin, acting director of Jane Addams Hull House collaborated with me and Sex Workers Outreach Project (SWOP) for a screening of The Scarlet Road, sex worker, Rachel Wotton’s documentary about her relationship with clients burdened with Cerebral Palsy and Muscular Dystrophy.  With us was Carrie Kaufman a person with a disability from Access Living to answer questions. People from all over the city came on Saturday night to see this screening.  Carrie said I could contact her about participating in another event to promote healthy sexual awareness.

     There was also “The Most Ecclectic Health Fair Ever” at the Center on Halsted to finish out SexFest where Veronica Lozano tabled for the Center.  Veronica has Cerebral Palsy and told me she wanted a badge that said “Hi I’m Veronica and I’m sexual” in response to people’s limited attitudes about her and her wheelchair.

     Out of the 20 tables at the fair, probably the most poignant for me was Emmaus Ministries’ table who serve unwilling male prostitutes in Boystown, many of which are reportedly victims of child abuse.  Tabling across the room facing them was Cassandra Avenatti MSW, a Social Worker from Children’s Hospital of Chicago and a member of SWOP’s board of directors.  There is a strong feminist movement reclaiming porn and prostitution that has a powerful response against slavery, diminishing choices and preventing the exercise of free-will. Cassandra got some email addresses from Emmaus which could be a productive beginning.

     Also interesting for me during this process was the heavy traffic on my website after moderate media attention.  A columnist interested in Chicagoans would quicken any process we devise.  Chicago is exactly the place to bring all its power together and quickly resolve some of these sometimes scary issues around sex.  I imagine our resources are strong enough to get past some of our perhaps medieval attitudes around being sexual and human.   What would it take to unite our city’s amazing academics, media and community to solve a festering social issue?  An annual Gay Pride Parade isn’t going to solve the problem.  I have some ideas that I’d love to share with you.  I appreciate you taking the time to read this missive and I sincerely hope to hear from you soon.

Amanda

www.thedeviantminds.org

my personal phone number

and personal email

     I found she had a corporation on-line asking for comments so I sent my letter there apologizing if she actually got it already.  She personally replied the following:

Amanda,
Thanks for this.
Have read it.
And find it interesting and important.
But the work that I do is primarily political in nature.
So would like your permission to forward this to some of my colleagues.
Best wishes, CM

She wouldn’t send me a personal note if she wasn’t serious, right?

Paint Your Interpretation of 20 on the Wall

Press Release For Artists of the Wall 2013 

Twenty years ago there was a wall along the lake, trash strewn about, graffiti littering the 
area, and people that were questionable harassing the passersby. 

A small group of Rogers Park residents (Keith Lord, Katie Hogan, Regina Robinson, and 
Richard Kaufman) sat on Keith Lord's back porch and came up with a brilliant idea to 
change the face of this wall; An Artists of the Wall festival. 

By cleaning up the area, painting the walls, and involving the police force in the painting, 
the negative personas that were in the area disappeared while the beautification of the 
area became apparent. 

The event has, since then, turned into a celebration of Rogers Park and it’s culturally 
diverse residents. People from all over have come to paint at Rogers Park’s Artists of the 
Wall. 

Businesses, churches, police, firefighters, lifeguards and people from age eighteen 
months to eighty years old have painted one of the 154 spaces on this 5,000 square foot 
(600 feet) wall over the past twenty years. 

The Artists of the Wall festival is a one-of-a-kind, ever-changing art project, the largest 
of its kind along the lakefront and running for twenty years, something unprecedented in 
Chicago. 

Artists of the Wall doesn't just promote both amateur and professional artists, it also 
promotes musicians by having an eclectic representation of Chicago-based bands. The 
bands and musicians that have played at Artists of the Wall have shared the stage with 
Windform, the first-of-its-kind art sculpture that was placed on city property. 

“Twenty Years on the Wall” is our theme this Father's Day weekend. For years, this 
event has defined what Father's Day is to our Rogers Park dads. In the past, fathers have 
called, happiness evident in their voices, because they finally had the day with their 
children and wanted to paint one of the spaces. 

This year is special for another reason, too. Last year, one of the artists, Terrence, died as 
a victim of gun violence in Chicago. His family contacted the Loyola Park Advisory 
Council and asked that his space be left intact this year so that they can add their story to 
his art. Terrence's death has saved the lives of six others because he was an organ donor. 

Don't forget to be at Artists of the Wall, “20 on the Wall,” this Father's Day weekend 
Saturday, June 15 to promote the beautification of our neighborhood, and taking a stand 
against violence. 

Music Stage Program

Saturday, June 15 

Noon - 12:45 pm Handyman Steel Pan 

1:15 - 2:00 pm Jeannie Tanner Quartet 

2:30 - 3:30 pm Odd Folk 

4:00 – 5:15 pm Conjúnto 

Sunday, June 16 

Noon - 12:45 pm Joe Dickinson 

1:15 – 2:00 pm Eastern Blok 

2:30 – 3:30 pm Meisha Herron 

4:00 – 5:15 pm The Pratt Cattz featuring Robert Irving 

For more information please contact: 

Katie Hogan (773) 764-9302 

Founder of Artists of the Wall Festival 

Keith Lord (312) 944-6270 

Founder of Artists of the Wall Festival 

Bill Morton (773) 850-0029 

Bill Morton Promotions- Publicist

Bob Greene: another victim of our resistance to moral complexity

In case you don’t know, Bob Greene, whom Time magazine had called a chronicler “for people hungry for moral clarity” was a columnist for the Chicago Tribune in the early 1980s. I had picked up the local paper and read his syndicated column while in San Diego preparing myself to give birth to the baby I was giving up for adoption.  This might be a bit heavy handed perhaps, but it does give context to understanding why my story around Bob Greene affected me so deeply.

I found I was pregnant for a third time, and didn’t know what to do considering I was already supporting two little girls whose fathers had left me stranded without financial or emotional support.  The father of this one was a married psychotherapist who sat on the board of my children’s daycare center.  I didn’t want to abort the baby but couldn’t take on another little person alone, so I decided instead for adoption.  Perhaps there was a bit of self absolution in giving away my baby as my relationship with a man married for 19 years was murky and undefined.

I had been a Latter Day Saint for 6 years and was preparing myself for ex-communication.  Through the church I found a family who had two other adopted children and would be willing to take her.  The baby’s adoptive mother and I talked on the phone for 2 hours once a week over the course of my pregnancy.  Her husband was a high school Spanish teacher and they lived in Santa Ana California.  She shared the pregnancy with me and sent me pictures of the little girl when she was 3 months and 1 year old.  They paid for the long distance calls which were expensive at that time as well as a place for me to stay in San Diego because it was too difficult adopting babies out of Illinois.  Believe it or not, giving my baby to another family is where I learned poly.

Not to get too distracted and returning to point, I was sitting on the couch reading Bob Greene in San Diego thinking about home.  This particular story was about Bob thinking ballet as an art form was stupid and boring.  I’d tossed the paper down next to me thinking the man was an absolute Philistine and wondering how such a bore could have graduated from Northwestern before deciding I’d never read him again.  I did though.  Later I read his column when he became a voice for those that can’t speak out for themselves as he began to defend abused children.  This is when Bob Greene wielded his sword and where I learned something about the power of a columnist. 

For me, it is ironic that Bob had to leave the Tribune because of a moral indiscretion.  Apparently (if I read the article right) his wife had a lingering illness at the time he succumbed to his desires for a high school coed — after her graduation.  I have a very good friend, who in fact introduced me to David, the man that eventually married me and adopted my children.  My friend is a devoted Catholic, is David’s fraternity brother and like my husband graduated from Northwestern.  He was married to a deeply disturbed woman and regrettably had to divorce her.  A few years later, he met a lovely devote Catholic whom he married, and though she had severe diabetes, bore them a child.  This man makes a good living as an executive, his wife was a nurse and they made their home on the West Coast.  The pregnancy took a toll on her and eventually she died.

I happened to be within 100 miles from his home at the 1st anniversary of her death, so he asked if I’d spend some time with him that weekend which I did.  It was then he told me that during the final year of his wife’s life, they decided he should see a prostitute.  It was hard for him to do — but he did.  It made me think of the father of the little girl I gave up for adoption. He was an East Indian.  He and his wife had 2 boys, and after 11 years, the oldest one contracted leukemia.  Their son had been in the hospital when they decided to bring him home where he could die in his own bed.  They were pioneers in the 1970s when this was illegal and before hospice, but they simply couldn’t allow their son to die alone – so they brought him home and took shifts sitting with him for his final days.  In the end, the mother broke and for the next couple of years slept in her son’s bed that he shared with his brother.  I looked much like her at the time and he succumbed to his desire for someone that could resolve his pain.

I wish instead he had seen a prostitute, and could have had the option not seemed so sleezy.

Sex is the product of an emotion — a biochemical process that defines a relationship.   It is  more often than not forged through a crisis.  Crucifying Bob Greene, or Bill Clinton, or the father of the child I had to give away is not the answer.  Yes it hurts to let go of a partner or a child with whom we’ve bonded so a healing can happen.  We really can mature as human beings and develop the generosity to allow for what may now seem closed options to extremely difficult familial problems.  To do otherwise when we have the  resources within our grasp is simply put idiocy beyond belief.

An open relationship?

Attended a discussion on open relationships. Discovered that everything covered I already knew. Sometimes one never realizes how much they may know until they sit for a discussion on it. Still it was good and well worth it. It was a challenge more in getting myself to go. One point I was tempted to turn around and head home. My social anxiety was getting the best of me.
In thinking about this though. I wonder how open I am to an open relationship. We are so set in are ways that our rut is somewhat comfortable. Bringing one or more people in would, depending on the depth of the relationship, disturb are dynamic in unforeseen ways. This could be both a good thing and a bad thing. Good in that it forces us to grow just that little bit more. Bad that are rut gets messed with.

While an open relationship, or you could say consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, even swinging is another term, is not for everyone. And should not and does not need to. But there are those of us who can not be monogamist and rather then lie to them we would prefer to be honest. Because as we know honesty is the best policy in all things.
  
I know from my talks on this subject with the wife, that she really would like to have on or two more females in our lives. While its a nice idea, I think the wife would benefit the most from this. It would allow her to explore aspects of her sexuality and identity in ways that I cant provide for her. I believe that, or know that I am ok with this. While she has played with a couple other females it has always been play and a one time thing. She could get a lot from an actual relationship.

This is another aspect of an open relationship. If we are ok with monogamy but are partner is not then what can we do to make them a happy and fulfilled person. Letting them find a play partner or something more then that, well that would be whats best for them. But is it whats best for us? It would not diminish the love they have and could strengthen the relationship. All of this of course requires much thought, introspection and communication. 

Whereas with me... I don't know if having another female in my life is something I need or want. I like the fantasy of having a threesome but then who doesn't. While I have had some opportunities to play with others I have lacked the interest. I tend to think this stems from a lack of a relationship with the other person. I seem to need an emotional investment in someone in order to be truly sexual with them. While sex isn't necessary it is fun and can be a real bonding experience. It may be that are dream for a closed triad may just be that and a V type of setup with the wife as the pivot point would be the best we could hope for.
All in all what we have is good but it lacks the ability to fulfill all are needs. Which isn't good but we also know that we are not the easiest people to be around. So it is difficult to find someone who would want to craft an enduring relationship or even just be play partners. Of course I have also found that being married and having kids really scares people off. I think I could continue as is though it wouldn't be ideal or make her happy.

This of course necessitates introspection, communication in an open and honest manner. The challenges and opportunities offered are many and varied according to each individuals current situation. Its a new experience waiting to be explored and its one that has been around far longer then would think. 

Artists of the Wall- Paint your interpretation of 20 on the Wall

Press Release For Artists of the Wall 2013 

Twenty years ago there was a wall along the lake, trash strewn about, graffiti littering the 
area, and people that were questionable harassing the passersby. 

A small group of Rogers Park residents (Keith Lord, Katie Hogan, Regina Robinson, and 
Richard Kaufman) sat on Keith Lord's back porch and came up with a brilliant idea to 
change the face of this wall; An Artists of the Wall festival. 

By cleaning up the area, painting the walls, and involving the police force in the painting, 
the negative personas that were in the area disappeared while the beautification of the 
area became apparent. 

The event has, since then, turned into a celebration of Rogers Park and it’s culturally 
diverse residents. People from all over have come to paint at Rogers Park’s Artists of the 
Wall. 

Businesses, churches, police, firefighters, lifeguards and people from age eighteen 
months to eighty years old have painted one of the 154 spaces on this 5,000 square foot 
(600 feet) wall over the past twenty years. 

The Artists of the Wall festival is a one-of-a-kind, ever-changing art project, the largest 
of its kind along the lakefront and running for twenty years, something unprecedented in 
Chicago. 

Artists of the Wall doesn't just promote both amateur and professional artists, it also 
promotes musicians by having an eclectic representation of Chicago-based bands. The 
bands and musicians that have played at Artists of the Wall have shared the stage with 
Windform, the first-of-its-kind art sculpture that was placed on city property. 

“Twenty Years on the Wall” is our theme this Father's Day weekend. For years, this 
event has defined what Father's Day is to our Rogers Park dads. In the past, fathers have 
called, happiness evident in their voices, because they finally had the day with their 
children and wanted to paint one of the spaces. 

This year is special for another reason, too. Last year, one of the artists, Terrence, died as 
a victim of gun violence in Chicago. His family contacted the Loyola Park Advisory 
Council and asked that his space be left intact this year so that they can add their story to 
his art. Terrence's death has saved the lives of six others because he was an organ donor. 

Don't forget to be at Artists of the Wall, “20 on the Wall,” this Father's Day weekend 
Saturday, June 15 to promote the beautification of our neighborhood, and taking a stand 
against violence. 

Music Stage Program

Saturday, June 15 

Noon - 12:45 pm Handyman Steel Pan 

1:15 - 2:00 pm Jeannie Tanner Quartet 

2:30 - 3:30 pm Odd Folk 

4:00 – 5:15 pm Conjúnto 

Sunday, June 16 

Noon - 12:45 pm Joe Dickinson 

1:15 – 2:00 pm Eastern Blok 

2:30 – 3:30 pm Meisha Herron 

4:00 – 5:15 pm The Pratt Cattz featuring Robert Irving 

For more information please contact: 

Katie Hogan (773) 764-9302 

Founder of Artists of the Wall Festival 

Keith Lord (312) 944-6270 

Founder of Artists of the Wall Festival 

Bill Morton (773) 850-0029 

Bill Morton Promotions- Publicist

Would the label Sapho’s Muse say more about an Exploration of Intimacy, Sex & Desire?

The point to Seminars at Chicago SexFest is to explore possible alternatives to academics reading papers a nonacademic audience would snooze through. I’d prefer my symposium be an opportunity for dialogue between academics and community activists around what Dr. David Rodemaker would call “marginalizing sexual minorities.”  The problem with dialogue, however, is language and how we understand words and what they mean.  This is a huge problem and we need academics to develop that language.  Even within an academic context, one word could mean something different dependent on the discipline.  That’s also true in community.  Raise any child to find their social crowd and see how quickly language changes even within a family unit.

So with that said, define a “SexFest?”  The term Chicago SexFest was designed to help diminish the affects of sexual marginalization.  We wanted Chicago to unite and put its own stamp on a term that institutions like the Olympics too often associates with an orgy.  Even though we were attempting to explain how the term contributes to our general society, too often discussions around a public sexual enlightenment were stopped by the term “SexFest.”  More than once I was told the label sounded like a convention of porn and debauchery and they would not be attached nor sanction such activity.  One person’s opinion was that the idea of SexFest was difficult to embrace, but what was  more important, they didn’t see anything suggesting “intimacy” here and I had to admit they were right.

There are a great many who want to make the point that sex is a personal matter while I’m saying personal response to intimacy is not the problem.  I’m saying that when one faction prefers a communication style they should be free to self define in their own terms.  There must be slots allotted for all people to feel heard in their own voice, not one prescribed by an outsider.  It may seem obvious, for example, that more often than not, the population would choose less extreme approaches to sexual expression.  Only a few are subversive — and if this were not so, it would not be labeled ”extreme.”   But then if you think about it, if one stance is extreme, so is the any reaction.  The reaction to sexual extremes might be extreme asceticism.  Both have a place on a spectrum of a society’s norms.  So maybe there should be a larger umbrella?  Ironically, if we didn’t use the term SexFest, perhaps we could us the title “Sapho’s Muse.”  The acronym for Sapho’s Muse after all is SM which could satisfy those feeling we’re just another “sell out” to the mainstream.

Language is important.  Words mean something.  If you listen to a person communicate, you can generally tell whether or not they’re educated, their economic status, in some cases their religion, how old they are, their race and even their sexual orientation.

Jim Cobb said it.  Every agency lives in its own world independent of anyone else around them.  They need to organize into an alliance and combine their dreams.
So let’s find cross-roads.
Let’s pull together.
When was there a better time when “United we stand.  Divided we fall.” had more relevance?
We have 7 world class universities; we are a world leader in commerce; we have thriving businesses supporting diverse communities; Chicago has resources to accomplish anything we set our mind to.

There’s no excuse for there to be ANY marginalizing minorities — sexual or not.

So what are we waiting for?  There’s  a lot of work to be done!  Let’s get crackin’!!!