Life's Desire

At a young age, a series of events triggered a single-minded goal, and that goal is something I've been working towards for most of my life.

My one basic desire is to be stable enough to have a baby and a family of my own.

Recently, that desire has become very hard to reach. In April of 2012, I was officially diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disorder that attacks my heart, lungs, joints... and womb. The doctors told me I had to go off of my birth control and get on the Lupus medication. I hesitated, since condoms and female condoms have chemicals that make sex extremely unpleasant and painful. An allergy to the chemical they coat them with.

I decided to stay on my hormonal birth control until the prescription ran out, and then consider my options with my boyfriend. I was told then and there, that with my disease, it would be very difficult to have a child after I was twenty-five. They said it could result in my death.

In December of 2012, my prescription ran out and I had the most difficult conversation of my life. Do I take the Lupus medication and give up my one desire and promise to myself? Or do I take the chance and try for a baby, much earlier than anticipated.

My boyfriend chose for me. He was thirty-five and wanted a baby.

I had my first miscarriage at the end of December. My second in late January. The third in early April.

A week ago, my heart was shattered when I was told my fourteen week old baby's heart had stopped beating in the womb and they believed that Lupus was the cause. I had known almost immediately I was pregnant, and took many precautions, no drinking, avoiding smokers since I don't smoke, and every time the doctor's told me to be on bed rest, I did my best to stay inactive while working three jobs, sometimes more.

When the doctor's told me I had to choose between them surgically removing my child from me or taking a medication to speed along the process, I choose the medication.

I haven't filled it.

My body has been losing my child for a week now, and each day or more horrible than the one before.

The apartment we moved into this month was chosen with the baby in mind, blankets had been started by family and friends who didn't or don't know about the loss walk up and rub my belly and tears ensue.

My disease, at times, feels like it controls my life, my choices, and in a lot of ways it does. I shifted my entire lifestyle to accommodate a disease that should have remained latent in my body. But whatever triggers Lupus was triggered in me at the age of 13, right around the time I made the decision I would be a mother and have a loving family.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that my baby is in Thantos's arms with Aphrodite showering them in her love and beauty. It doesn't make it any easier.

I will try again. Not sure if I will try again right away since the hurt is overwhelming me, but I will. My boyfriend, even in his own pain over watching me and being able to do nothing, has held on to me and been a rock in my emotional time of chaos. Our decision is to try again, although when isn't too certain.

We love each other, we desire each other, we need each other. That will heal us, and maybe Aphrodite will reward our love.

Keep Your Eyes Peeled!!!

As of right now, we're working on launching our KickStarter and IndieGoGo projects to fund SexFest 2013 and the information to support and encourage it! Our DVD set will include the speakers that cover the following topics:

Why this symposium?

This webseries is being developed to highlight the evolving research, in Chicago, regarding the infinite degrees of gender and sexuality. It has become clear that the issues around this particular topic make it difficult to relate and work with those closest to us. Although issues surrounding this are universal, we are focusing on sexual marginalization specifically in Chicago. Because Chicago has a plethora of academics and universities that have classes and programs that cover varying topics in regards to Gender Studies. The Deviant Minds, NFP redefines the Chicago Seven from political dissidents to the academic institutional giants functioning today being: University of Chicago, Northwestern University, University of Illinois, DePaul University, Loyola University, The Art Institute of Chicago, and Columbia College. Within these walls we cover the academic issues that people face daily in regards to sexual marginalization and gender studies.

Nature vs. Nurture

Everything comes together through sexual activity. Trees seed, fish lay eggs, flowers pollinate, and through the flowers bees feed to fill their hives with honey to allow the young to grow… So why is it that society sees sex as dangerous? It’s natural and essential to procreate, and keep this earth full of life.

Behavior

There are natural urges to just about everything we do. We eat, sleep, and explore our personal and sexual preferences. We all have needs, we all deviate from a path. Why not take a walk on the wild side, explore who we are, and learn what our gender, sexuality, and desires mean to us. We partner according to what’s in our DNA, why not allow ourselves to explore that?

Healing

What’s in each and every one of us allows us to heal our own issues, whether it’s a crippling disease, or even a mental disorder. Our bodies are designed with chemicals that allow us to remain happy and healthy. Estrogen decreases the chance for heart attacks, Epinephrin and Neoepinephrin allows us to move quickly in a panic-filled situation… Could there be a way our bodies can heal themselves through sex? It’s intimate and releases hormones throughout our body.

Sex, Science, and the Sacred

As beings of nature, there is only one ideal that differentiates us from other life around us. As people, we seek the sacred in our lives, looking for answers with regards to what is right and wrong. Our moral stand points, especially with regards to sex and all that it encompasses, we seek explanations for our desires and drives, which is why finding the scientific base for our basic needs is of such importance.

ABOUT US

THE PROBLEM: My name is Amanda Torrey, the Director of The Deviant Minds, NFP.  David, my husband, and I began our first show on the podcast “Deviant Minds Salon” at the end of April of 2011 by introducing Llyris, who earned her PhD in Neuroscience from Northwestern and  has been a witch for over half her life.  Presently, while developing her challenging career, she is married to another scientist and together they are raising their little boy.  Llyris is still afraid of openly expressing her spirituality for fear of reprisals from her academic community. When we started, we were well aware of spiritual prejudices and hoped to expand communities to embrace cross pollination of spiritual beliefs.  Through the year of our recorded shows though, we fell into a world of spirituality that lived within the confines of sexual marginalization.  These people were sex workers, intersexed and transgendered as well as a few from the Kink community. This new experience motivated me to look at Chicago from a broader perspective where I found a treasure.

THE VISION:  Chicago hosts a number of world class universities.  Chicago drives world class commerce.  Chicago is the home to a large diversity of people no matter how they define their gender and sexuality.  So then it would seem Chicagoans are the most qualified for collaborative workshops, events and celebrations which foster educated insights and creative partnerships that celebrate human nature in all of its quirkiness.