Life's Desire

At a young age, a series of events triggered a single-minded goal, and that goal is something I've been working towards for most of my life.

My one basic desire is to be stable enough to have a baby and a family of my own.

Recently, that desire has become very hard to reach. In April of 2012, I was officially diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disorder that attacks my heart, lungs, joints... and womb. The doctors told me I had to go off of my birth control and get on the Lupus medication. I hesitated, since condoms and female condoms have chemicals that make sex extremely unpleasant and painful. An allergy to the chemical they coat them with.

I decided to stay on my hormonal birth control until the prescription ran out, and then consider my options with my boyfriend. I was told then and there, that with my disease, it would be very difficult to have a child after I was twenty-five. They said it could result in my death.

In December of 2012, my prescription ran out and I had the most difficult conversation of my life. Do I take the Lupus medication and give up my one desire and promise to myself? Or do I take the chance and try for a baby, much earlier than anticipated.

My boyfriend chose for me. He was thirty-five and wanted a baby.

I had my first miscarriage at the end of December. My second in late January. The third in early April.

A week ago, my heart was shattered when I was told my fourteen week old baby's heart had stopped beating in the womb and they believed that Lupus was the cause. I had known almost immediately I was pregnant, and took many precautions, no drinking, avoiding smokers since I don't smoke, and every time the doctor's told me to be on bed rest, I did my best to stay inactive while working three jobs, sometimes more.

When the doctor's told me I had to choose between them surgically removing my child from me or taking a medication to speed along the process, I choose the medication.

I haven't filled it.

My body has been losing my child for a week now, and each day or more horrible than the one before.

The apartment we moved into this month was chosen with the baby in mind, blankets had been started by family and friends who didn't or don't know about the loss walk up and rub my belly and tears ensue.

My disease, at times, feels like it controls my life, my choices, and in a lot of ways it does. I shifted my entire lifestyle to accommodate a disease that should have remained latent in my body. But whatever triggers Lupus was triggered in me at the age of 13, right around the time I made the decision I would be a mother and have a loving family.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that my baby is in Thantos's arms with Aphrodite showering them in her love and beauty. It doesn't make it any easier.

I will try again. Not sure if I will try again right away since the hurt is overwhelming me, but I will. My boyfriend, even in his own pain over watching me and being able to do nothing, has held on to me and been a rock in my emotional time of chaos. Our decision is to try again, although when isn't too certain.

We love each other, we desire each other, we need each other. That will heal us, and maybe Aphrodite will reward our love.

"I haven't been doing anything I want to do"

Everyone is well aware that I fight with my boyfriend... A lot. We've been together for two years on December 13th, 2013 so things can get pretty edgy.

After one date, he moved in with me. After moving in with me, he announced to everyone that I was his girlfriend. After that... I just went with it and started working on all of the projects he worked on, and found parts of myself I had hidden away.

Secretly, I'm a workaholic. I enjoy the thrill of a new project, the rapture of success, and the creative process that is intertwined with the development of a project.

My boyfriend is a workaholic, and not the good kind. It results in high stress, aggravation, a bad temper, and an inability for him to sleep. He rarely finds satisfaction in the conclusion of a project because he rarely feels he completed the project in the first place.

While we are both workaholics, I find immense pleasure in losing myself to my work, he doesn't. Alas, that is why we fight. Different working standards, different agendas, et cetera.

The title of this post " I haven't been doing anything I want to do" is a clear cut example of our fighting, today, in fact. He wants me to work on project x b and t while I work my why from 1 to 100, in order.

Since I work chronologically and not on the whims of others, it makes it difficult to work with people. There is an extreme perversion in me that enjoys pissing people off when they are being unreasonable. Typically, this works in my favor, however, in my relationship, it just causes a fight.

Not to say my relationship is all bad, it's not. We have great moments curled up on the couch watching movies, enjoy strolls along the beach, painting at Artists of the Wall, dinner at home, and sometimes, we work well together too.

When we work well together, there is a symmetry to our actions, and we both feel more accomplished than before. We are so on it, that we even get in one another's way and finish trains of thoughts for the other.

What can I say? We're one chaotic, but positive couple. :)

Relationships and growth?

How much of our capacity to love another, be in/have a  mature relationship with another is based on our mental age? I know that the majority of people today have the mental age of a sixteen year old. That an adult mentality is becoming more and more an uncommon thing in our society. I myself wonder what my mental age is. Most days I don't think I come close to being an adult. Just an angry teenager with too much responsibility. Its rather upsetting. Our whole society seems to be pushing for and trying to keep us all at the level of teenagers. How can we ever hope to accomplish anything with that mindset? How are we suppose to have a meaningful life if we are all kids? And if we have kids of our own how are we supposed to be their parents and not their friends when it matters?
How can we have a positive relationship with another if we are not adults. If we are all teenagers mentally, then how can we overcome the societal programming that influences much of this. Our society is such that it is seemingly ingrained in us as we age that we are to be with one person and that they must  never stray in any way. We receive so many mixed messages as we grow. They bring about insecurities, mistrust, jealousy, anger, hate. That by the time we are a so called adult, it seems almost impossible to have a healthy open and trusting relationship with another.
I don't trust my partner. They have not the ability to be forthright and honest. Their upbringing has instilled into them an inability to be honest for fear of a negative reaction. That dishonesty was always the better option. Their past actions have been in extreme poor judgement and as there has been only some improvement, I still can not trust.
Then there is the realm of sexual expression. There are monogamous  polyamorous, swingers and many more ways to relate to another. How does one grow, or not but say they have if only to be with a certain person, to allow multiple partners. I myself have no issue sharing my partner with other females. And while I have many issues with females, due to experience's of my youth, I have no problem with her being with others of her sex. But then if its a male I have many issues.
I have asked myself why this is. I am an insecure person. Doubts and fears of my partner staying with me. Some of this is me, some is comments or conversations we have had. And while I don't think she would leave me for another (and I don't think there is anyone who would put up with her for to long), I cant help but wonder. I know she has many issues with men, due to a horrible past with them. And she views sex differently then me. I ascribe more importance, sacredness to it then she does. Sex is just sex to her. I have a hard time having sex with anyone I don't have an emotional connection too. Which is what causes some of the tension we have with this subject.
I wonder if as I have aged, have I grown mentally more adult instead of remaining a teenager. Or have I remained a teenager but learned to be more functional in a so called adult world. Could I now if the situation was to arise, allow my partner to have sex with another male. Or would I still deny this. Or allow it thinking I could handle it, but then afterwards go off the deep end and destroy our relationship because I let something happen that I was and may never be capable of accepting. And why can I not accept this. Is it societal conditioning at work here, or is it a more primal instinct. We are very much at the mercy of our reptilian brain it would seem.
Why does this have to be so hard. We should be adults. We should know and believe, that if we are in a relationship with someone. That they chose us for a reason. That while we may not be able to satisfy them in every way, this is okay and we shouldn't try. We should not force ourselves to be something or someone we are not for this could lead to the end of are relationship. If we can not or are unwilling to satisfy whatever are partners need to be happy, then we should not deny them this. We should be supportive and help them to find a way to satisfy their needs. Even if this means it will be in someone else's bed, they have still chosen to be with us. That at the end of the day and for as long as it lasts, they will be with us.  And this is so hard to accept, to let happen. But damn if we don't need to face these fears and insecurities and for once in are short lives we need to grow up and be a better person then we where before. For if we don't grow and become better then we where before for someone we love, then whats the point of being in a relationship in the first place.