Life's Desire

At a young age, a series of events triggered a single-minded goal, and that goal is something I've been working towards for most of my life.

My one basic desire is to be stable enough to have a baby and a family of my own.

Recently, that desire has become very hard to reach. In April of 2012, I was officially diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disorder that attacks my heart, lungs, joints... and womb. The doctors told me I had to go off of my birth control and get on the Lupus medication. I hesitated, since condoms and female condoms have chemicals that make sex extremely unpleasant and painful. An allergy to the chemical they coat them with.

I decided to stay on my hormonal birth control until the prescription ran out, and then consider my options with my boyfriend. I was told then and there, that with my disease, it would be very difficult to have a child after I was twenty-five. They said it could result in my death.

In December of 2012, my prescription ran out and I had the most difficult conversation of my life. Do I take the Lupus medication and give up my one desire and promise to myself? Or do I take the chance and try for a baby, much earlier than anticipated.

My boyfriend chose for me. He was thirty-five and wanted a baby.

I had my first miscarriage at the end of December. My second in late January. The third in early April.

A week ago, my heart was shattered when I was told my fourteen week old baby's heart had stopped beating in the womb and they believed that Lupus was the cause. I had known almost immediately I was pregnant, and took many precautions, no drinking, avoiding smokers since I don't smoke, and every time the doctor's told me to be on bed rest, I did my best to stay inactive while working three jobs, sometimes more.

When the doctor's told me I had to choose between them surgically removing my child from me or taking a medication to speed along the process, I choose the medication.

I haven't filled it.

My body has been losing my child for a week now, and each day or more horrible than the one before.

The apartment we moved into this month was chosen with the baby in mind, blankets had been started by family and friends who didn't or don't know about the loss walk up and rub my belly and tears ensue.

My disease, at times, feels like it controls my life, my choices, and in a lot of ways it does. I shifted my entire lifestyle to accommodate a disease that should have remained latent in my body. But whatever triggers Lupus was triggered in me at the age of 13, right around the time I made the decision I would be a mother and have a loving family.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that my baby is in Thantos's arms with Aphrodite showering them in her love and beauty. It doesn't make it any easier.

I will try again. Not sure if I will try again right away since the hurt is overwhelming me, but I will. My boyfriend, even in his own pain over watching me and being able to do nothing, has held on to me and been a rock in my emotional time of chaos. Our decision is to try again, although when isn't too certain.

We love each other, we desire each other, we need each other. That will heal us, and maybe Aphrodite will reward our love.

Spiritual Paths

When I was young, I use to talk to people who weren't there. Most kids do, and adults believe that they have imaginary friends. By the age of 13 though, I realized I wasn't dealing with imaginary friends.

I went to sleep on my 13th birthday to dream of my "imaginary friend". She is a beautiful Cherokee woman, known today as a medicine woman. Her name, to me, is Flower Healer. On my 13th birthday, she took my hand and led me through a forest until we came upon this beautiful, ancient tree. This tree had bare branches, full branches covered in Maple, Oak, Pine, and many other leaves and needles I couldn't identify.

The tree spoke to me, telling me "You are a Chosen One, one of the Sacred One" and Grabbed me with one of it's bare branches. I woke that morning with an S-shaped cut on my left arm, just above my wrist.

Right after that, I denounced my favoritism for witches in the stories and the idea of Magick and it being a good thing. I tried, very hard to become a part of a religion that didn't acknowledge the kind of experience I had.

After years of exploring Christiananity, Catholicism and many of their varying branches, I realized I couldn't deny my spiritual nature. I openly began exploring Paganism in it's many forms when I turned 17.

I worked hard to find someone I was comfortable with on the Pagan path and found a kitchen witch named Rose. I began training and studying under her and together she and I built a small coven that included my darling Syd (Air Element), my dear Katelin (later known as Zoey, Fire Element), my bestie KJ (Earth Element), and my lovette Michelle (Water Element). I held Spirit and Rose held Deity.

Due to many difficulties with the hierarchy of the Coven, I became a Priestess via vote, and I held the position well, until we all moved away. It was then that my Cherokee woman began visiting me again, pushing me towards Temple Terra Incognita. I listened to her like I had before the incident with the tree, and began studying Sexual and Chaos Magick. I became a Qadishtu, and helped with the spiritual healing of my Darling Daniel, who had lost a leg. I helped with Emme, an elder of the Dianic Practices. I learned well and learned fast.

It was during my time as a Qadishtu that I realized I was a high Priestess in own right, that my studies kept pushing me towards healing and Shamanism. The tarot, the gardening, the herbology, the ghosts of those long gone and recently deceased... I was a Shaman, but had a plethora of knowledge that had accumulated from my inability to look into my own Spiritual Nature.

My path is to use people's Spiritual selves and to assist them along their Spiritual Paths as they encounter crises. To help them heal themselves by loving them and teaching them they are still capable of being loved, no matter the past or the difficulties ahead.

Now, I am developing my own Coven once again, to teach, learn, and practice as a group once more. And when I have children of my own, to teach them to keep an open mind and help people heal and follow a Spiritual Path, whether it be Christian, Catholic, Hinduism, Buddhism  Paganism or another flavor of religion.