Life's Desire

At a young age, a series of events triggered a single-minded goal, and that goal is something I've been working towards for most of my life.

My one basic desire is to be stable enough to have a baby and a family of my own.

Recently, that desire has become very hard to reach. In April of 2012, I was officially diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disorder that attacks my heart, lungs, joints... and womb. The doctors told me I had to go off of my birth control and get on the Lupus medication. I hesitated, since condoms and female condoms have chemicals that make sex extremely unpleasant and painful. An allergy to the chemical they coat them with.

I decided to stay on my hormonal birth control until the prescription ran out, and then consider my options with my boyfriend. I was told then and there, that with my disease, it would be very difficult to have a child after I was twenty-five. They said it could result in my death.

In December of 2012, my prescription ran out and I had the most difficult conversation of my life. Do I take the Lupus medication and give up my one desire and promise to myself? Or do I take the chance and try for a baby, much earlier than anticipated.

My boyfriend chose for me. He was thirty-five and wanted a baby.

I had my first miscarriage at the end of December. My second in late January. The third in early April.

A week ago, my heart was shattered when I was told my fourteen week old baby's heart had stopped beating in the womb and they believed that Lupus was the cause. I had known almost immediately I was pregnant, and took many precautions, no drinking, avoiding smokers since I don't smoke, and every time the doctor's told me to be on bed rest, I did my best to stay inactive while working three jobs, sometimes more.

When the doctor's told me I had to choose between them surgically removing my child from me or taking a medication to speed along the process, I choose the medication.

I haven't filled it.

My body has been losing my child for a week now, and each day or more horrible than the one before.

The apartment we moved into this month was chosen with the baby in mind, blankets had been started by family and friends who didn't or don't know about the loss walk up and rub my belly and tears ensue.

My disease, at times, feels like it controls my life, my choices, and in a lot of ways it does. I shifted my entire lifestyle to accommodate a disease that should have remained latent in my body. But whatever triggers Lupus was triggered in me at the age of 13, right around the time I made the decision I would be a mother and have a loving family.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that my baby is in Thantos's arms with Aphrodite showering them in her love and beauty. It doesn't make it any easier.

I will try again. Not sure if I will try again right away since the hurt is overwhelming me, but I will. My boyfriend, even in his own pain over watching me and being able to do nothing, has held on to me and been a rock in my emotional time of chaos. Our decision is to try again, although when isn't too certain.

We love each other, we desire each other, we need each other. That will heal us, and maybe Aphrodite will reward our love.

In Darkness

To the rage
To rip and rend
To have one's way
This is the way
The way of Darkness
To rip and rend
Away the dross
All that is unimportant and hindering
To the Darkness
To rip and rend away those that stand in the way
Even if that one is yourself
This is the Darkness
Where we rip and rend and consume all that is dark and wrong
To remake are selves in the image of Darkness
To move in the shadows
To devour those that would hinder
Are growth and those of another
To rip and rend and consume the flesh, the enregy, the life of those weaker then us
Weaker then then themselves the cowards
To push and push to the brink of their destruction and rebirth
To consume their pain and longing
To revel in the agony of their demise
To be their own personal Demon made flesh
To rip their soul from them
To feel its  potential
What glory this be
To rip and rend from those who could be so much more
If only the where not so blind
This the Darkness commands
This do I obey
My victim, I shall be your salvation
In Darkness....

To Vanadis....

Vanadis..

Oh Lady
How you have teased me these last few days
Flitting in and out of my mind
And always, always
At the moment of release
You never come at other times
You never stay to explain
Why
Why it is that at the moment of release
You come upon me
Only to leave as quickly once the moment has passed
Though I have tried to understand
The answer eludes me still
Though for you
This is one of your many well loved sides
Of such a multi-faceted beauty
And while I don't understand
Perhaps one day I will
If at all, so
You are welcome to intrude
And take from me what you will
At that moment of release

Perceptions of age and time

I was or am supposed to be posting once a week. (Posting is also a technical term in horseback riding.) Though I do forget, which I seem to be doing with more frequency.

While I have had nothing in particular in mind to blog about, I have one thought I wish to follow and perhaps writing it out will help make more sense of it. Though I doubt this. What thought I follow is time or perhaps aging. And im sure there are better minds and writers who have discussed this on the net then me.

I am not going to attempt to go into how one perceives time or is thought to perceive it. I myself barely perceive the passage of time. Sure the day progress's from waking to sleeping, night to day and night again. This is more a peripheral perception. Living almost completely in the moment time or rather life just is. The only sense of urgency or of time passing is one that is imposed on the day by me. Chores, meals, errands, etc. Some impose their own limits on time, others we impose. Some other's impose and largely because we agree to it.

But mostly the passage of time and its effects go unnoticed. Mostly. Living in the now, and always around your family you don's clearly see the process of aging. Unless someone you don't see on a regular basis comments on how big your kids have gotten or something about ones appearance. Me I don't seem to age. I look almost the same now as I did ten years ago. Yet there are times when I notice I have ever deepening and lengthening crows feet. I notice at odd quiet and often jarring times my kids growing up. And having kids is a jarring thought in and of itself. Typically I notice this when there asleep and that they somehow seem to occupy way more space then they seemed to the other day.

Which brings to mind another thought. A fractured sense of the passing of time as it relates to other people. While there are people I have not seen in years or longer. Upon meeting them there is no sense of the passing of time. Its more like it hasn't been ten years I saw you yesterday. Its an odd perception to say the least.

I am aging and I know this. And it occurs to me at odd and random times. Most days or weeks it doesn't cross my mind. Other days I find something that I cant do that once I could. Albeit this most likely has to do with a progressing physical condition. Other times and the most prevalent thought is about the future. In are current situation we have no future, as in retirement and or financial security. And while we still have many years before this is a concern it's still a pestering thought.

The only other thing that the passage of time brings up is are own limited mortality. Despite all that I know it still freaks me out a bit. Even with a myriad of belief systems and personal experience to fall back on, it still bring forth a sense of unease. I think part of this is that I enjoy being an embodied creature, though I am not thrilled with the thought of aging beyond where I am currently. The other disturbing thought is that for my personality is not who I truly am. And once I have moved on, all of who and what I am will be subsumed by my true self. I know that many of my core personality traits are also my true self's . And that all that I have experienced and learned will aid in are evolution.Its still not a comforting thought. Actually this can get kinda of depressing.

As depressing as this may be it is easy to forget as well. Getting caught up and losing oneself in the everyday moments of life helps. I don't know if this is related to a skewed perception of time or if its something else. Most likely something else. This one's perception or more observation of the world. Has a tendency to notice in this concrete jungle all the  varied life that makes its home here. From the insects up to the birds, from the fungus to the trees. I notice it all.

Why I Believe Sex Education teaching Abstinence is not affective- By Amanda Torrey

For those of us who are parents raising children through puberty into adulthood one of our greatest challenges is the tremendous decisions to make about what is physically and psychologically the best approach in supporting explorations through their budding sexuality.  If we have more than one child, we realize how different each one is and how what works for one, may not work for another.  Pat answers given to us by our religious affiliations and civic institutions don’t always work.  In the face of a reality, a child can be confused about what’s right and wrong when they are alone while making decisions.  The bottom line is biologically speaking, there is no equality in gender.  The young girl is always going to have the heavier consequence in whatever decision she makes.  This maybe why her virginity has always been such an important commodity…So then, as parents what can we do to support them, whether our child is the girl who posses that virginity or the boy who decides to take it from her.  In other words, where this paper is concerned, adolescent sexuality is a union between the new desires springing from a budding adult’s sexuality and its environment’s need to lessen the consequence of this happening.

Within the last 50 years there have been significant changes in the way society has had to look at human sexuality, especially concerning our views on abstinence and the adolescent woman.  This paper is not focusing on the obvious dangers of sex without judgment.  Unwanted pregnancy, health issues surrounding girls becoming sexually active before they are physically and emotionally ready, as well as sexually transmitted diseases are all paramount within the heart of every family.  Government and religious institutions have invested significant money and resources to circumvent these problems since such issues add a great deal of stress to the common welfare.  What is of interest is that what remains consistently true in spite of a tremendous amount of religious and civic pressure for girls to stay “virtuous” and abstain from sex until they are married, by the time the adolescent female is 17, about half of them have become sexually awakened, and half haven’t.[1]  Presumably then, some are ready to have sex, some aren’t.  Those that are ready, do…Those that aren’t ready, don’t.

In 2005, Warren Throckmorton, Ph.D. wrote[2]:

Whatever we think about the morality of sexual behavior, can’t we agree that teens should be given a clear and consistent message that it best to wait to engage in sex until they are ready to accept the financial, relationship and emotional consequences of making that choice? For nearly all teens, this would be adulthood…Although the depression followed by sex and drugs link seems to make sense, a new study, which followed over 13,000 middle and high school students for two years in a row, found that depression did not predict risky sexual or drug using behavior.

Instead, the study found that depression often follows risky behavior. Lead author of the study, Dr. Denise Hallfors told me in an interview that her research team found evidence that heavy drug and alcohol use significantly increased the likelihood of depression among boys. For girls, the findings are stunning: Even low levels of alcohol, drug or sexual experimentation increased the probability of depression for girls.

Two years before The Heritage Foundation published an article, “Sexually Active Teenagers Are More Likely to Be Depressed and to Attempt Suicide” where they conducted a study on the emotional well-being of the American adolescent also publicized.  The findings were:

When compared to teens who are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly less likely to be happy and more likely to feel depressed.  When compared to teens who are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly more likely to attempt suicide.

Thus, in addition to its role in promoting teen pregnancy and the current epidemic of STDs, early sexual activity is a substantial factor in undermining the emotional well-being of American teenagers.

In this article doctor of adolescent medicine Meg Meeker writes,

Teenage sexual activity routinely leads to emotional turmoil and psychological distress…. [Sexual permissiveness leads] to empty relationships, to feelings of self-contempt and worthlessness. All, of course, precursors to depression.

The study’s official conclusion was:

A full 14.3 percent of girls who are sexually active report having attempted suicide. By contrast, only 5.1 percent of sexually inactive girls have attempted suicide. Thus, sexually active girls are nearly three times more likely to attempt suicide than are girls who are not sexually active.

Among boys, 6.0 percent of those who are sexually active have attempted suicide. By contrast, only 0.7 percent of boys who are not sexually active have attempted suicide. Thus, sexually active teenage boys are eight times more likely to attempt suicide than are boys who are not sexually active.

Karen S. Peterson followed up Heritage Foundation’s article in USA TODAY saying:

Tamara Kreinin of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) says “we need to take depression among the young very seriously.” But it is a “disservice” to blame sexual activity and ignore “divorce, domestic violence, sexual abuse, substance abuse, lack of parental and community support and questions about sexual orientation,” she says. SIECUS supports school programs with information on birth control and abstinence.

One would have to reasonably ask if Meg Meeker is speaking professionally or through personal filters.  “[Sexual permissiveness leads] to empty relationships, to feelings of self-contempt and worthlessness. All, of course, precursors to depression” could seem as an attempt to be pre-emptive.  Young girls don’t usually want to have sex when they are depressed.[3]    Sex is not usually the cause of inner happiness or depression.  Associated Press reported a new study that says adolescent and young adults feel their happiness comes from their family ties. Sometimes, though, the adolescent might find their intimacies through a boyfriend, some want to be accepted by their peer group, some love adventure, some want to feel less depressed and some just plain wanna, which seems to be true whether or not there is concern for sexually transmitted diseases.

On May 7, 2002, Sharon Begley wrote a compelling article in Newsweek Magazine “Sorting Out Good Science from Bad:

When Doug Kirby sat down recently to update his 2001 analysis of sex-education programs, he had 111 studies that were scientifically sound, using rigorous methods to evaluate whether a program met its goals of reducing teen pregnancy, cutting teens’ rates of sexually transmitted diseases and persuading them to practice abstinence (or, if they didn’t, to use condoms). He also had a pile of studies that were too poorly designed to include. It measured three feet high.

For us civilians, it’s hard to grasp how much of science is subjective, and especially how much leeway there is in choosing how to conduct a study. No one is alleging that scientists stack the deck on purpose. Let’s just say that depending on how you design a study you can practically preordain the outcome. “There is an amazing array of things people do to botch a study,” says Rebecca Maynard of the University of Pennsylvania.

There are many congenital reasons for adolescent depression.

In 2001, for example, one study found strong indications that adult depression and the teenage version ran in the same families.[4]  According to the website About Teen Depression:

Studies indicate that one in five children have some sort of mental, behavioral, or emotional problem, and that one in ten may have a serious emotional problem. Among adolescents, one in eight may suffer from depression. Of all these children and teens struggling with emotional and behavioral problems, a mere 30% receive any sort of intervention or treatment. The other 70% simply struggle through the pain of mental illness or emotional turmoil, doing their best to make it to adulthood.

The consequences of untreated depression can be increased incidence of depression in adulthood, involvement in the criminal justice system, or in some cases, suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people ages 15 to 24. Even more shocking, it is the sixth leading cause of death among children ages 5-14. The most troubling fact is that these struggling teens often receive no counseling, therapy, or medical intervention, even though the National Institute of Mental Health reports that studies show treatments of depression in children and adolescents can be effective.

1 child in 60 is born with congenital adrenal hyperplasia; there are interesting statistics on children born intersexed or with gender dysphoria.  Artificial structures imposed on anyone is dangerous, especially adolescents as it was for Nicole, a transgendered girl who committed suicide to finally escape the torment of other High School students.  There must be appropriate role models, schools and playmates to support everyone’s talents, however, millions of children are set up from the start to be tragically confused and depressed with who and what they are, even though a biological “norm” has yet to be adequately identified.

A quote from the website, About Gender:

There are some quite remarkable figures here. Although they are shown as distinct conditions, there is considerable blurring and variation between one individual and another. There is also, of course, considerable variation in different parts of the population.

Putting it another way two intersexed babies are born each week in the United Kingdom. This compares with other developmental problems such as cleft palate, or genetic problems such as Downs Syndrome. Yet health professionals and parents find it very difficult to find information about it, and those who specialise in this area are seen as a rather bizarre group of fringe psychiatrists.

Most of the genetic and metabolic errors will give rise to genital malformation, but it would seem that many cases of ambiguous genitalia occur in the absence of evidence of more fundamental problems. Where the operation is simply cosmetic and the child is happy to grow up in its birth role, will be able to marry and have a family, can it truly be regarded as an intersex condition? It is all a matter of definition.[5]

To which BBC News responds:

Moreover with the increase of the use of ultrasound scanning, amniocentesis and other procedures, in this age of what has been referred to as the “new eugenics” will many of these children be aborted?

Or will we see a society where all sexual and gender statuses are respected?

An adolescent is depressed or considering suicide long before they have their first sexual experience.  Sex is an amazing marriage of Nature and Nurture and as inconvenient as the adolescent sexual rite of passage is for our families and society, as a social creature, we have to be realistic about what part of this marriage we have some control and what we don’t.  If our one hope for reaching our children is through educating them, let us do it to enhance their self confidence and abilities to make their own judgments.

On Sex Education Sharon Begley states:

Earlier studies gave abstinence-only glowing evaluations, as social conservatives publicized. The Heritage Foundation, for one, claimed in 2002 that abstinence-only had been proven “effective in reducing early sexual activity.” But this is not a case of dueling studies, with no way to tell which to believe. If you dig into the earlier studies’ methodology, you can see how they reached their conclusions…

Many evaluated programs where kids take a virginity pledge. But kids who choose to pledge are arguably different from kids who spurn the very idea. “There’s potentially a huge selection issue,” says Christopher Trenholm of Mathematical Policy Research, which did the abstinence study for the government. “It could lead to an upward bias on effectiveness.”

Claims for abstinence-only also rest on measurements not of sexual activity, but attitudes. The Bush administration ditched the former in favor of assessing whether, after an abstinence-only program, kids knew that abstinence can bring “social, psychological, and health gains.” If enough answered yes, the program was deemed effective. Anyone who is or was a teen can decide if knowing the right answer is the same as saying no to sex.

Statistics show that “Just Say No to Sex” Doesn’t Work for Ms. Begley adds:

In April, scientists released the most thorough study of abstinence-only programs ever conducted. Ordered up by Congress, it followed 2,000 kids, starting in grades 3 through 8, in rural and urban communities who had been randomly assigned to an abstinence-only program or not. Result: kids in abstinence-only “were no more likely to abstain from sex than their control group counterparts … [both] had similar numbers of sexual partners and had initiated sex” at the same age…

Other studies relied on kids’ memory. But up to half of kids forget whether they took a virginity pledge, or pretend they never did. Those who fall off the abstinence wagon are likely to “forget” they pledged, while those who remain chaste might attribute it to a pledge they never made. Both factors inflate the measured efficacy of pledge programs.

While looking at teenage sexuality, we can’t fall into the temptation of believing that all that is inconvenient is the root of all evil.  Sex is not the reason our children commit suicide.  The question is how to stretch our society to accept that every human being has its own physical and emotional nature.

Perhaps we can look at teenage sexuality as the time a person becomes a part of a larger citizenship.  In her essay, The Idea of World Citizenship in Greek and Roman Antiquity, Martha Nussbaum suggests becoming a “world citizen” would be a helpful skill as well as learning how to question the dictates of one’s own culture to see whether or not these dictates are truly a natural law.  An example she used was the teachings of Diogenes as he searched for truth and virtue by provoking people through unruly actions.  Nussbaum says, “It appears likely that the point of his unseemly behavior was itself Socratic– to get people to question their prejudices by making them consider how difficult it is to give good reasons for many of our deeply held feelings.  Feelings about the respect due to status and rank and feelings of shame associated with sexual practices are assailed by his behavior.”  The Greek philosophers, as ethicists, demanded from each citizen a defense of their perspectives.  As teachers in a civilized world, they demanded their culture to stand on the foundations of Truth, not vanity or any other misuse of power.

Martha Nussbaum’s suggestion would seem ideal, however unrealistic.  Because of our methods for teaching what is best for the whole, we are running into a constant issue with what “whole” we’re talking about.  In our world of the internet interlinking our different communities, we find for every statement there will be an opposite statement that completely breaks down the most solid premise.  We’ll never have enough people on any specific part of the spectrum to make one position viable for everybody.

"I haven't been doing anything I want to do"

Everyone is well aware that I fight with my boyfriend... A lot. We've been together for two years on December 13th, 2013 so things can get pretty edgy.

After one date, he moved in with me. After moving in with me, he announced to everyone that I was his girlfriend. After that... I just went with it and started working on all of the projects he worked on, and found parts of myself I had hidden away.

Secretly, I'm a workaholic. I enjoy the thrill of a new project, the rapture of success, and the creative process that is intertwined with the development of a project.

My boyfriend is a workaholic, and not the good kind. It results in high stress, aggravation, a bad temper, and an inability for him to sleep. He rarely finds satisfaction in the conclusion of a project because he rarely feels he completed the project in the first place.

While we are both workaholics, I find immense pleasure in losing myself to my work, he doesn't. Alas, that is why we fight. Different working standards, different agendas, et cetera.

The title of this post " I haven't been doing anything I want to do" is a clear cut example of our fighting, today, in fact. He wants me to work on project x b and t while I work my why from 1 to 100, in order.

Since I work chronologically and not on the whims of others, it makes it difficult to work with people. There is an extreme perversion in me that enjoys pissing people off when they are being unreasonable. Typically, this works in my favor, however, in my relationship, it just causes a fight.

Not to say my relationship is all bad, it's not. We have great moments curled up on the couch watching movies, enjoy strolls along the beach, painting at Artists of the Wall, dinner at home, and sometimes, we work well together too.

When we work well together, there is a symmetry to our actions, and we both feel more accomplished than before. We are so on it, that we even get in one another's way and finish trains of thoughts for the other.

What can I say? We're one chaotic, but positive couple. :)

A forgotten post

A forgotten post. A post. A post can be many things and have many uses. A forgotten one serves nothing, but a reminder to those passing by of what might have been. In traveling you may come upon a post, the remains of some long gone fence. Once used to delineate who can stand on either side or keep this or that from straying. Or perhaps said forgotten post had something other use. One merely to hitch something or someone to. Maybe, just maybe this forgotten post is nothing more then a bad attempt at a facetious post?

You know what has been on my mind a lot lately. My boys and their education. Having had bad experiences with public education, not to mention the current state of CPS. And are somewhat negative experience with putting are oldest through preschool. I have done far to much reading (skimming mostly) on unschooling. One of our initial ideas was either Waldorf or a home school  program based around the Waldorf ideals. All of which didnt go anywhere due to a lack of money. Private education is expensive. Home schooling can be done at almost no cost, the internet has so many (to many sometimes) resources. However knowing are children's personality's, I doubt they would enjoy much less cooperate at this time or maybe ever in a structured learning environment. Hence why we fell into the realm of unschooling.

In reading, talking and listening done on the subject of unschooling. While I have my doubts I think this may have been the best choice. The boys need time to be children. And if you are observant enough you find that yes they learn all be themselves all the time. Despite what certain family members may be saying, they are learning and overcoming their developmental issues. You really have to spend more then one or two hours out of the week to see the progress they are making or what they are capable of doing. Competing with one another really motivates them to push their limits. And all we have to do is help them answer the questions they have, get them out of the house and out into the world. When they show us a strong interest in a subject we need only help them to deeply understand this. Everything else they need they will learn when they need it, not before.

I find that this has been my case in learning. I learned to be angry and hate in school. But outside of that influence, I learned to read. I learned a trade. I read widely and know a little bit about almost everything. And more then that on those few areas where I wanted to know more. Now I see that when I have a question or an interest, I go out and learn about it. I read or take a class maybe even watch a video on it. Children are no different and interacting in the world around them is how they learn. Its how we all learn.