From the Depths pt5

Yes more of my inane ramblings from ten years ago. A rather busy time in my life, and not from a job. Friends, weird spiritual crap and only the gods would know what else was going on. So many people's worlds turned upside down. Now this piece is rather still relevant. Its a pretty close explanation of my perception of the world as well as my attempt to find a place in it. I have a problem it seems relating to reality  as we perceive it. Seeing as we can only visually see less the ten percent or more of whats out there. Are eyes dont allow us to see the other ninety percent or more of reality. 

is this but a dream?
if so why cant i wake up?
or am i awake,
but dreaming?
or is it neither
and i have to choose
which side of reality
i will live on?
why can it not be both?
why can i not stand
in two worlds
and work in either
effectively?


Must have been in a bad place or done something bad to elicit this kind or response from myself. I have sometimes wondered if I where while not invincible at the very least immortal. That r just someone/thing is really watching out for me. There was a time when suicide was an acceptable if not in some cases expected course of action. For someone who felt they had done all that they could and there was nothing ahead of them but a life of pain, the bitter drink of oblivion was offered. Now if only we could move past this stupid concept that human life is somehow so sacred that one must suffer a life of pain then be given the relief they need. Life IS sacred, but if you can not honor another's choice in how to live or end it then it is not sacred
it is slavery.  One must have and show mercy for their fellows even if that means cutting there life short.


the feel of the knife in your hands.
the cool kiss of the steel against your warm skin.
the sudden feeling as it bites into soft flesh. the rush as warm life oozes out and spills slowly and silently from sundered wrists.
to mix with the tears that fall from dim eyes. the silent plea from deep within for Death.
but to know that Death will not come, is all the more painfull.
yet there she stands silent.
knowing that its not yet your time,
and one day she will come for you.
and on that day you will know peace.


Cutting, self-injury. The release from emotions so high its painful. Something to bring one back down to reality and calm the mind so as to be able to function within the confines of this world. A way to vent emotions/punish oneself for all the crap we receive throughout the day and have no other way to express that has any real meaning. A way to honor are gods, a way to express who we are.

temptation.... it sits there in its little box.... all sharp and shiny....

must fight... must not give in

why do you call me... there seems no reason.... but there is, isnt there....

your all nice and sharp and shiny sitting snug in your little box....

whispering to me from the dark corners of my mind....

must resist.... or maybe i should give in....

let you out.... feel something.... other then you clawing at my insides....

maybe..... 



I am not sure how many of these are left to find.I had a year maybe a bit more where this stuff just poured out of me. It has been sometime since something has been able to move me in such a way.