Awareness of What

There is this thing that gnaws at the edge of awareness. Its there all the time,whether or not you are aware of it. Its there as a constant reminder of the ephemeral nature of existence. One may be able to forget about it over the course of the day, when one is busy dealing with the mundane task of trying to survive. But it is still there, waiting. It creeps up mostly strongly when one is alone, and for those of us not comfortable with it, being alone is hard. You can always be alone despite how many people may be in your home at any given time. It is worse at the moment before sleep. For sleep and it are almost at times one and the same. For to fall asleep is to give in to it, to let it consume you if only briefly and incompletely, and then you dream. Because dreams seem to be many things at different times, they may be the true reality and this the dream. Your dreams may show you what was/will be for you. The nexus point of so many places are ones dreams. Have you ever noticed the dreamy quality of life, it tends to be strongest on a cold winter day when no one is around and the snow is falling lightly. Everything goes a bit fuzzy around the edges, stands out more clearly yet ethereal at the same time. This also happens in the summer as well. You may also notice this almost anytime of the day, if you slip into the right mindset, or if you are one step removed from this reality. Being disconnected can be an interesting if not at time problematic state of mind. But if its gnawing at your perception and you let it fill your awareness it shows reality in such a dreamlike state. Its rather creepy and unsettling, fills one with dread a bit of fear of the unknown. The unknown of what lies beyond this life. Though ones dreams show you what it was like before and will be again. If one can believe in the circularity of life. Which is not always easy to do. This awareness of it is most troubling at times, the feelings of despair, loneliness  fear,  anger, denial perhaps. Trying to stay busy, to lose oneself in ones work, books, games, the company of others, there arms, there sex all these and more. The drive to forget, to experience something, anything if it will only make it go away however temporary. This has most likely pushed many to achieve great things and others to madness, maybe even to finding out if this is but a dream and reality lies on the other side. Perhaps we are but the dream of a greater being, and what a nightmare this must be for that poor creature.  Its still there, still waiting, waiting to be acknowledged, forgotten, accepted or ignored but one day it will come for you and then you will know if this is a dream of reality or the reality of a dream.